Rewriting Xmas Songs

We hear “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” again and again this time of the year. This is such a popular xmas carol, and I really wonder why when listening to the lyrics. It leads my son to ask, “Why doesn’t Santa want me to cry?” That is a very good question!

The last time we heard the song, we decided to rewrite the lyrics. The original version goes “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout - I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town”. We considered “you better not fly/tie/try” and finally came up with… “You better watch out, you better not LIE, you better not pout”.

Why are we trying to threaten/scare our children into being good. Why oh-why do we not want them to cry? It is so sad. Marlo Thomas’s Free to Be - You and me had a song “It’s alright to cry. Crying takes the hurt out of it. It’s alright to cry. It just might make it feel better”. And really, it does. It does that and more.



Gordon Neufeld is big on allowing your kids the space to cry (especially the boys – he says). Really, what else can you do when there is complete frustration, and an inability to change the outcome? Kids find themselves in that situation quite often. When boys lose their tears, they losing something important (and this goes for girls as well). He believes that “tears show accepted futility”, they are a “symbol of tranformation”, and “where adaptation is born”. When a child is in a place outside of their control, they have 2 choices, adaptation or aggression. Being adaptive is an ability to become transformed or changed by that which we cannot change. Our tears are our biological response that helps us adapt to the things we cannot change. They are an outward manifestation of adaptation, where we move our feelings of frustration into feelings of futility.

In his “Making Sense of Discipline” lecture at the “Leading our Kids with Heart” conference in Cranbrook, Gordon Neufeld stated that traditional cultures knew that there was a connection between a child’s tears, and discipline. He said, “If the tears are stuck, children usually move to aggression”. I’m not sure if Santa prefers aggressive kids over a child that cries, but I sure don’t. That which we cannot change can transform us, and if it takes my child some tears to move towards transformation and adaptation, then I’m okay with that.

the 5 best toys

the five best toys? Wired's top 5 toys by Jonathan Lui, was sure to have the best of the best newest coolest toys right?

i totally thought Lego would be in the list. what else though? Wired's 5 Best was even better than i expected, and if you can believe it... Lego wasn't included.

The top 5? stick, box, string, cardboard tube and good ol' dirt! Check out this article to source these for your favorite munchin's christmas list.

now... i gotta say they missed one - good ol' log!

Being Bored

This amazing post from Dr. Gordon Neufeld Institute's Blog by Jonas totally spoke to me today. I see the word "bored" as almost a dirty word. Obviously something is not right with your brain - or so I thought. Jonas has helped me see the use of this word, which has only just started in the last couple weeks, a little more clearly.

“Daddy, I am bored,” my six year-old son comes into my home office complaining. I have a feeling of déjà vu. I have heard this before. In fact all my children around this age have shown up with the very same expression: “Daddy, I am bored”. I used to think that they lacked for ideas of what to do. And so, I used to come up with at least a dozen suggestions. It never seemed to work though. My children left seemingly unsatisfied with my suggestions. I used to brush off my discomfort by remembering what I had read in popular psychology columns, that it was a good thing to be bored. As the years passed my two older home-schooled children are no longer in this stage. I never hear them complain about being bored. They seem to have found that never ceasing inner-well of creativity, filling them with endless curiosity. Yes, they show up at my home office, but more likely with precise questions like, ”What is a black hole?” or ”What is the difference between government and parliament?” or ”Why does a car have a gearbox?”

After studying the Neufeld paradigm I obtained words to many things I knew intuitively, and I also received confirmation of others things of which I was not fully certain. But I never understood the meaning of “Daddy, I am bored” until taking one of the Neufeld Distance Education courses.

Armed with this new knowledge I felt quite excited when my six-year old came into my home office expressing: “Daddy, I am bored”. I caught his eyes and said: ”Oh really, are you bored?” He nodded. I pat my hands on my lap, and I smile and said to him: ”Come and sit on daddy’s lap”. He comes reluctantly and sits on my lap. But once there, things start to shift. Within a minute I can feel how he is relaxing in my presence. I make sure he is sitting comfortably. Then sometimes we look at something together on the computer and sometimes we talk about something. Other times I simply keep on working with my son on my lap. After a few minutes I can feel how his energy returns. Soon he says with a big smile: ”Now, I know what I am going to do!”, and off he goes.

I now understand that being bored typically does not have anything to do with lack of things to do, not even lack of exciting things to do. It has to do with the lack of inner energy due to lack of attachment. A child who lacks attachment often becomes obsessed about attachment. Saying ”I am bored” is actually saying, “I don’t have the energy to do anything. I need a hug, or a lap to sit on, or a talk with someone I am attached to, like Mummy or Daddy or Granny”. When the child’s attachment needs are fulfilled, the emergent energy (inner energy) flows and the child sees a multitude of possibilities of what to do on the inner from within himself.

In today’s busy life it is often not obvious what is behind many of our children’s challenges and behaviours. Lack of contact with those they are attached to is a common cause of a whole array of problems. We need to nurture our children’s attachment to us, whatever they are doing, because in doing so we give them the energy they need to thrive, mature and learn.

happier kids?

Patrick McMillan just launched his “Science of Happy Kids and Joyful Parenting Program”! It will give you the opportunity to understand the importance of being involved in your child’s happiness and emotional well-being, and helps your child build emotional literacy and develop positive coping skills.

Did you know that:
- A Harvard study found that the rate of depression among children is increasing by 23% a year.
- The use of antidepressant medications continues to grow by about 10% annually among children and adolescents.
- Surveys show that 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally and physically every year.

We just ordered his book, An Exercise in Happiness, which is an interactive emotional growth program for kids I haven't received it yet, and if I hadn't just purchased it - i would be definitely buying the Science of Happy Kids and Joyful Parenting Program. For $67 that's a deal.


I took part in The Happier Kids Now Online Expo which was truly amazing, with 26 parenting and education experts. I LOVED this course and recommend it fully.


You can receive a free e-copy of his Ulimate Kids Guide to Happiness here.

Self Design?

We are almost finished our first year of Self Design with the Kindergarten program which was truly an amazing experience.

So what is the Self Design program all about? Their website says it all...

Much of what goes on in schools is about their need to organize and make the teaching process as efficient as possible. In SelfDesign we focus on individuals enthusiastically learning what they are interested in and in allowing each child to generate his/her own curriculum based on interests and efforts. Overall, we do not conform to many common schooling conventions, believing them to be poorly matched to the natural learning proclivities and neurobiological attributes of all children.

SelfDesign learners are not put in classrooms. They are free to learn whatever they want to learn. Our job as parents and learning consultants is to keep good records on what is being learned so that we can demonstrate equivalency and therefore accountability for money invested in learning.

In SelfDesign we do not grade our learners. In school classrooms teachers do not have time to individualize the learning of 30 learners and can not provide meaningful records of their learning so they need to grade the learners comparatively. In SelfDesign we have over 50 pages of observations tracking the learning of each learner annually.

We do not impose a curriculum on learners. Our program is not coerced by expectations or management processes that are external motivations derived by intimidations like failure or coercements like passing. We believe in the intrinsic value of understanding and engagement of learning as a rich, valuable and meaningful experience in itself. Even students in school who sit for years experiencing an imposed curriculum are not guaranteed to learn the curriculum. Many learners experiencing imposed curriculums learn in fact to hate or dislike the subject. Many learners leave school turned off most of the curriculums that have been imposed on them. Our learners in SelfDesign demonstrate learning based on interests and in our experience over many years learners who learn based on enthusiasm live life as an enthusiastic experience and are more likely to enjoy and continue learning about all subject areas.

Ensuring a successful future is more determined by ensuring a happy and meaningful present. A child living in enthusiasm learns to be enthusiastic. A child who does not enjoy or find meaningful or relevant the schooling experience but who learns to postpone their rights and interests to some future time ends up living for the future never to return to the present. In SelfDesign we appreciate that we can and only do live in the present and that the quality of living in the moment is a sacred trust to be sustained by parents and mentors for every learner.

Self Design?

We are almost finished our first year of Self Design with the Kindergarten program which was truly an amazing experience.

So what is the Self Design program all about? Their website says it all...

M

uch of what goes on in schools is about their need to organize and make the teaching process as efficient as possible. In SelfDesign we focus on individuals enthusiastically learning what they are interested in and in allowing each child to generate his/her own curriculum based on interests and efforts. Overall, we do not conform to many common schooling conventions, believing them to be poorly matched to the natural learning proclivities and neurobiological attributes of all children.

SelfDesign learners are not put in classrooms. They are free to learn whatever they want to learn. Our job as parents and learning consultants is to keep good records on what is being learned so that we can demonstrate equivalency and therefore accountability for money invested in learning.

We do not test our learners in the k-9 program. In school one of the ways teachers can find out if a student is paying attention is to give exams and tests that illustrate at least that the child remembers the facts that are being taught. In SelfDesign we track the enthusiastic interests of each learner, therefore we are getting an accurate record of what they are 'attending to' - i.e. our 'attendance' is neurologically determined and not just a child in a seat. Every Ph.D. student engaged in the highest and global process of learning focuses on discussions with his or her committee, and we have designed our way of evaluating 'real' learning through our conversations between each learners committee - composed of (learner, parents, learning consultant and mentors).

In SelfDesign we do not grade our learners. In school classrooms teachers do not have time to individualize the learning of 30 learners and can not provide meaningful records of their learning so they need to grade the learners comparatively. In SelfDesign we have over 50 pages of observations tracking the learning of each learner annually.

We do not impose a curriculum on learners. Our program is not coerced by expectations or management processes that are external motivations derived by intimidations like failure or coercements like passing. We believe in the intrinsic value of understanding and engagement of learning as a rich, valuable and meaningful experience in itself. Even students in school who sit for years experiencing an imposed curriculum are not guaranteed to learn the curriculum. Many learners experiencing imposed curriculums learn in fact to hate or dislike the subject. Many learners leave school turned off most of the curriculums that have been imposed on them. Our learners in SelfDesign demonstrate learning based on interests and in our experience over many years learners who learn based on enthusiasm live life as an enthusiastic experience and are more likely to enjoy and continue learning about all subject areas.

Ensuring a successful future is more determined by ensuring a happy and meaningful present. A child living in enthusiasm learns to be enthusiastic. A child who does not enjoy or find meaningful or relevant the schooling experience but who learns to postpone their rights and interests to some future time ends up living for the future never to return to the present. In SelfDesign we appreciate that we can and only do live in the present and that the quality of living in the moment is a sacred trust to be sustained by parents and mentors for every learner.

Beyond Right and Wrong

Rumi says...

"Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field; I'll meet you there."

Scott Noelle says..

Children are born knowing that feeling good is more important than being "right." They know their emotions are their Inner Guidance, and they trust it.

So why do they sometimes rebel and seem to care more about being right? One possibility is that you may be telling them something that contradicts their Inner Guidance.

For example, if you say "It's time to go," while their Inner Guidance tells them to stay, they know you are talking crazy talk!

If you say "You shouldn't touch that," while their instinct is to explore, one of you is lying... and it's not them!

You can end conflict and transcend right/wrong thinking by tuning in to your Inner Guidance. Give it some time... The heart is slower than the head, but it's wiser, too.

If you go deep enough, you'll find the place where your Guidance and their Guidance overlap — the common ground where everyday miracles are born.

read more on this topic at enjoyparenting.com.

more and more

What should my child know?